Reminiscence, Departure
by valathe
Summary: Second weekly prompt fill for the r/Pharmercy fanfiction thread. I'm so sorry everyone . .


She sat on the bench, surrounded by sprouting grass, trees tentatively turning green once again, and people enjoying the first warm days of spring. The park was beautiful at any time of the year, but she liked it best in spring. New life was growing before her very eyes, and in previous years, once march rolled around, she was an almost daily visitor to this slowly greening paradise.

She had a perfect view of the old oak, its massive canopy easily spanning thirty feet in each direction from its enormous trunk. Briefly the leaves turned red and yellow and brown before her mind's eye, some slowly tumbling to the ground, some landing on her own golden hair or Fareeha's jet-black mane. She remembers it vividly, as if it had happened only yesterday.

 _One tricky leaf managed to sneak its way in between her neck and her scarf, irritating her to no end, but her hand was too busy holding Fareeha's; and the elation of this new feeling, of finally having worked up the courage to slowly entangle her pale fingers with tan ones, of them taking hold and squeezing hers and not letting go, was almost drowning it out. Almost. She turned around, some witty comment on her tongue and ready to spill out and hopefully elicit that sanguine laugh, but Fareeha giggled even before she had opened her mouth. She cocked her head in confusion, serving only to further entrench the errant leaf in her scarf, and Fareeha giggled even louder._

" _Here, let me..." she said in her beautiful accent, her other hand coming up to pluck the blind passenger away, brushing against her neck. And for some reason it stayed there, suddenly cupping her cheek, fingers splayed beneath her ear, and all humor had fled the scene. They gazed into each other's eyes with an awesome tension between them, the leaf all but forgotten as they slowly leaned in; eyes fluttering shut in favor of experiencing their first, tentative brush of lips with as much intensity as possible._

 _She couldn't have planned a more exhilarating, more intoxicating first kiss even if she tried._

Her mind snapped back to the present when a body slumped onto the bench beside her, an awkward distance away. Too close for a stranger, too far away for a friend.

"Hey."

She turned her head, taking in Fareeha's appearance. Jeans, a sweater, a jacket, buttoned up tightly. She had never been good at dealing with the cold. It elicited a wan smile, one of the permanent contrasts between them. She only wore a light vest against the chill, and even that was slowly getting too much as the sun continued to approach its zenith.

"Hi." she replied, trying not to imagine why Fareeha had decided to wear shades even if it was only early spring, and the sun lacked the strength to truly irritate her eyes.

Neither of them knew how to continue, how to even start a conversation. She should have expected this, this awkwardness ever since...

"Walk with me?" she asked, cutting off her thoughts. No use revisiting that memory right now.

Fareeha simply got up in lieu of replying and they set off, no fixed destination in mind. But their feet led them to the inevitable destination anyway. They were quiet as they approached the oak, an awkward distance away. Too close for a stranger, too far away for a lover.

She fiddled with the box in her pocket, desperately trying to think of something to say, something to ease them into this conversation, but her mind came up blank. So she merely pulled it out and held it out to Fareeha. Who looked at it with trepidation, hand frozen midway to taking it.

"Is it...?" she asked, with a waver in her voice, eyes inscrutable behind the sunglasses.

 _She laughed as she twirled around in the shadow of the oak's full, green leaves, her light summer dress swishing around her thighs. It had been a close call, Fareeha had almost managed to sneak up and launch another tickle attack, but she had realized her girlfriend's intent just in time._

" _Behave, you rascal." she chided with a smile, skipping a step ahead any time Fareeha tried to catch up to her. The Egyptian laughed, obviously deciding enough was enough, and lunged for her, sending them both tumbling to the ground. She shrieked in laughter, her golden hair freely spilling around her shoulders as she was pinned into the soft grass by Fareeha._

" _You're getting my dress all dirty!" she complained with no real bite behind it, far too happy and content to let such a trifling matter as grass stains sour their mood. Fareeha leaned down and captured her lips in a passionate kiss, only breaking their lip-lock when their lungs screamed for oxygen._

 _She was happy. Plain and simple. The past three years with this wonderful woman had been the most beautiful time of her life. Yes, they'd had their hardships. It was difficult, being apart for months at a time while Fareeha was deployed overseas, constant worry in the back of her mind. But the pure elation she felt upon her return every time made it more than worth it. She would deal with any hardship if it meant being with her._

 _After a while she got up, smoothing down her dress, tugging it into place where it had been pulled askew by their tumble in the grass. But Fareeha remained on the grass, only getting up on her knees._

" _Come on, slow-poke, let's get some..."_

 _The words died on her lips when Fareeha pushed herself to one knee, and pulled out a small, velvet box from her pocket._

" _Angela." she said with a small waver in her voice, eyes chock-full of emotion. "I...I had this whole speech planned out, telling you each and every reason why I love you more than life. But...but it doesn't matter, because those words wouldn't do you justice. Only these do. Will you marry me?"_

 _Her hands shot to her mouth, eyes filling with tears._

" _I..Far...yes! A thousand times yes!" she warbled, launching herself into Fareeha's arms and sending them to the ground once again, holding her as tightly as she could while her tears flowed freely. For once, they were happy tears._

"It's your grandmother's ring, yes." Angela said, fighting back the the tears threatening to spill from her eyes.

Fareeha lowered her hand again, leaving the ring box in her hand.

"No Angela, it's yours. I gave it to you, it's yours to keep." Fareeha said, her voice cracking towards the end.

"It's mine, and I decided to return it to you. It wouldn't feel right to hang on to it, it's _your_ heirloom." she replied, faring no better in concealing the pain she felt when she uttered those words.

Fareeha ignored her statement and stepped up to her, discarding her shades before cupping her face with both hands.

"Angela, please, don't do this. _I love you_!"

Fareeha's appearance hurt her just as much as her words did. Her eyes were puffy and blood-shot, and dark circles were evident even against her tan hue.

Oh how desperately she wished she could change her mind. How much she wanted to forget the sight of her fiancée, bandaged and broken, lying in a hospital bed with a myriad of tubes sticking out of her. How deeply she hated whoever had built the IED that had hit Fareeha's Humvee, sending her to the final threshold, barely clinging to life for weeks. How deeply she wished it hadn't broken her, smashed her into a million pieces that could never be put back together again.

But she couldn't. She knew she couldn't live through that experience a second time. She knew it would kill her, figuratively and literally.

"I'm sorry, Fareeha."

The tears finally broke free, running down her pale cheeks. She stepped back, pressing the box into Fareeha's hands before turning around, hugging herself, trying to quell the sobs that clamored for release.

"I couldn't live with myself if I made you quit the Army for my sake. But I can't forget how close you came to...to..."

She stopped herself and took a deep breath before turning around again. She reached out, brushing away the tears flowing down Fareeha's cheeks with her thumbs before standing on her toes, pressing a last, tremulous kiss to her lips.

"I'm sorry I'm not strong enough, Fareeha. I'll always love you. Goodbye."

She turned and walked away, leaving Fareeha beneath the oak, _their_ oak, and knew, deep down, that she would never see her again. She made it all the way to her car before breaking down.

 _I'll always love you._

* * *

I'm sorry. It seems I can only ever write death and despair. Freud would have a field day with me ._.

song of the day is needles in your skin by oathbreaker. Because it definitely fit the mood of this piece


End file.
